Week 13 Divorce

Do you think that divorce is a good option? Lets look at some interesting stats...

• 2 yrs after divorce about 70% of people surveyed said they could have and should saved their marriage. 
• In a study that was done where people were given a scale to measure their satisfaction in marriage. This scale was: very satisfied, satisfied, somewhat satisfied, dissatisfied, and very dissatisfied. Those who marked "dissatisfied" or "very dissatisfied" were surveyed again five years later. Those who stuck it out marked "very satisfied" and "satisfied". 

Statistics show that it is actually better to try to fix it because you'll probably be happier in the end! Who would have thought that?

Did you know....
....that remarriages are actually more vulnerable than first marriages?
...that the majority of couples who deal with affairs stay together and are happy that they did?
...divorce costs a lot? In California, at least at one time, it was about $25,000! And the financial struggles don't stop there!
...women are less likely to remarry rapidly and about 70% of men who have divorced are married about 2 years later?
...that people with divorced parents are more likely to divorce also?
...divorce can be VERY hard on the kids and cause a lot of problems?

Before considering divorce think about all that comes with it. Sadly your problems will not end, but you will have a bunch of new ones if you divorce. Because of this maybe consider trying to fix your marriage.

Week 12 Parening

What are some the purposes of parenting? To name a few...to transmit values and traditions, to teach, to practice and develop godly qualities,  it's a learning opportunity, it's a sacred duty, to contribute to society, to become more refined, to provide protection, to prepare the next generation, and to teach basic skills. Look at the purposes that I emphasized. I emphasized them because I believe they all benefit the parents. Parenting isn't just for the kids, parents also benefit.
My religion teacher pointed out that parenting is like a workshop for godhood. Think, for one moment, please, about this: Heavenly Father has chosen to be known as "Father". What does this mean to you? To me it shows the importance of parents. It is a sacred duty. God is our father and He chooses to be known by this. He is a parent of all of us. So, how better to learn to be like Him then to practice being parents?

For our class we watched a few great videos that discussed how to parent teenagers. We should remember that if we want our teens to respect us, we must respect them, our spouse, and others. Something else i liked was that we should have fun with our teens. Let them know that we like them. Also, remember to try to have  more of an Authoritative parenting style. This will work best.

Week 11 Should Mom's Work?

Since World War II in the 1940's the number of working woman has increased. Many woman liked the independence they gained from working, so didn't want to give it up when the men came home. Some woman had to keep working because their husband never came home. There are other reasons, of course, than these.
Before I go into more detail, take a moment to think about your own opinions and views on this matter. Do you believe woman should work? Do you believe that it is better for them to be stay at home moms? My objective of this article is to share information on this subject so that you can gain a more educated opinion on it.
On a typical day where both parents work the kids go to school and the parents go to work. The kids get home from school around 3-4 and the parents don't get home until around 6. An interesting fact is that most non-violent crimes occur between 4-6 PM. Coincidence? I think not. Dinner in these homes might be a stressful time. They may not even eat together. Also, mother is still likely to do most of the house work. Both parents will be tired. Also, we should note that most woman don't go to their job because they love it.
Let's contrast this with a mother who stays at home. She has more time to get the house work done and will have more energy to do it since she wasn't at work all day. When the children come home for work, she'll be there. This time can be important for teaching them. They will have more energy and time to give to their children and husband. They will have a better chance of being able to eat dinner together. Also, the mother can have more time to do things with her children. She will even have more time do the housework with them and teach them how to cook. When our hands our busy it can be a great time for communication. Especially for guys. So, if the mother is able to do these activities with her children she will be able to bond with them.
I know these examples don't cover every situation. They are just general. However, I can tell which one sounds more appealing to me.
The last thing I would quickly like to address is the benefits of teaching your kids to work and working with them. I already mentioned that it is a time for family members to bond. It can also help children gain skills and become more independent  it can teach them to be better workers, it can have physical health benefits, and it helps create the ideal family structure. Most of the time since Adam and Eve families worked together. This helped them bond and grow together. Since the Industrial Revolution things have changed drastically. I would like to ask the question: is all of this change good? Shouldn't we consider what we have given up? Also, shouldn't we consider what we'll be giving up when we get a modern contraption that will 'make our lives easier'? These are some good questions to think about.

Week 10 Communication

When we communicate we go through a process. First we start with our thoughts and feelings which we encode, we then use a media (words, tone, nonverbal), then the person we're talking to decodes it and has their own thoughts and feelings. During this process something can go wrong and we end up understanding something wrong or the other person doesn't understand. Can you remember a time when that happened to you? We all have.
Let's look at media a little more closely. Did you know that only about 14% of our message goes through our words? 35% goes through tone and 51% (slightly over half!) goes through nonverbal! Just for a moment think about all the ways you can say "I love you". You can say it sarcastically, without emotion, with deep emotion, with surprise, with anger, with joy, etc. To yourself try saying it in different ways. What did you notice? Though your saying the same thing you are sending a different message. And why is that? Because of the tone you are using. Your tone sends different messages. People are more likely to believe your tone than the actual words you are saying.
There are different nonverbal cues we can give. Our face expression  body language, and even eye contact can tell someone something. However, they may not tell the person what we intended! Can you think of a time when someone miss read a nonverbal cue you used? Can you think of a time that you miss read a nonverbal cue someone gave? For example, someone who is shy might not look someone in the eye. The person they are talking to might not read this as them being shy, but may think that they aren't paying attention, don't care what they are talking about, are mad at them and don't want to look at them, etc. Because of this we should try to be aware of the nonverbal cues we are using.
With all these problems with communication no wonder we can get mad at someone and they don't know why. But how can we fix this? Well, first to to clarify what you mean, give feed back, and don't talk around the main issue, but address it. If you aren't sure that your understanding someone then ask them, "Is that what you meant... (fill in blank)?" Many times we get mad, I believe, it's because their was a problem somewhere in our communication. That is why it's important to ask and clarify. Also, normally there is a bigger underlying issue to why we're mad. It normally isn't just because of one irritating thing. Maybe feel irritated because a guy didn't put down the toilet seat. We approach the guy and yell at them for it, but what is the underlying issue? Is it that we feel like he thinks he as certain privileged that are unfair? We should try to figure out our underlying reason for being mad and address it.
Remember that good communication takes practice. It's something we can all learn though! Just remember to be aware of it and that there often are mistakes made when trying to communicate. Try to be patient and willing to listen so you can fix these problems :)

Week 9 Crisis

A crisis can be defined as having some sort of trauma involved, being unsatisfied with your current situation, something urgent, something that puts the family at risk, instability, and it can be personal. With all this in mind many people will see a crisis as something bad and dangerous. How do you view it? Can you see the opportunity in the crisis? If not, hopefully you'll be able to learn to.
Think of a crisis you have had. What did your family do? Did it pull apart or grow closer together? What were the persons thoughts about the crisis? What were your own thoughts? Take a few minutes to think about this.
Reuben Hill used, what he called, an ABCX model. This is how he set up his model:

A (Actual Event)

B (Both Resources and Responses)

+C (Cognition, meaning their thoughts on the event, how did they define it)

__________________________________

X (total experience)

So, using this model think about the crisis that you were before thinking about. What was the actual event? What were your resources and how did your family use them? And, like before, what were your thoughts and your families' thoughts about the crisis? How did they define it? 

I'm sure we all want to be able to come out better from a crisis like some families can. But how do they do it? They probably have resilience, understanding of their responsibilities and accountability  they know how to use their resources and have resources, also, they may have already had experience. 

Something else you can do is change our thinking about the crisis (cognition). If you can train yourself to think more positively then your more likely to come out better. Instead of thinking, "this is the end of the world" try to think "We can do this together. It will be okay." Remember, the mind believes what you tell it. 

Week 8 Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy isn't just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (despite what many mislead teenagers grow up thinking). Children shouldn't just be taught about the autonomy of sex, contraception, and preventing STD's. By just teaching them that, it is like telling them that sex is okay as long as you don't get hurt physically or get pregnant. This is why parents should step up and teach their kids about sex instead of just leave it up to the school and peers. While young (even as young as 3) kids should be taught about proper boundaries (like what's appropriate and inappropriate touch). They should be taught what their body parts are and shouldn't just be told some lie about where babies come from. As they grow older they should be taught about puberty and what is going on to them. As they grow they should be taught more about sex. They should be taught about how emotionally damaging it can be if not done in marriage. They should be given a realistic perspective on it instead of the fantasized idea portrayed in the media. For example, girls should be taught it hurts at first and isn't worth it to do with someone you aren't married to. They should only do it with someone they are married to since they know they can trust them and that that person will take care of them. Both should be taught that it isn't magical like the media portrays. It is awkward at first. They should be told how they can feel empty doing it outside of marriage. Also, they should be taught that having sex distorts other aspects of a relationship. All of these things should be taught to them by their parents. These are only some of the things parents should teach their kids.

Week 7 Marriage and Kids

Who is more likely to marry? Educated and Religious people. In my opinion, if educated people are more likely to marry than other people, then doesn't it suggest that marriage is a good idea? If only people could realize this. Sadly some people are afraid of what getting married will entail (such as how will I provide? What if I ask and I'm rejected?). Also some people view cohabitation as an alternative or as something that will lead to marriage but doesn't up doing so. Another problem is the marriage squeeze (although there are a lot of guys and girls in the world, doesn't mean that you would want to marry them all. Not to mention age differences and other factors).
Something else that is interesting is that marriage satisfaction seems to decline a bit as each child is born and slowly raise as each kids leaves, until it levels off when all kids are gone. Some of the causes of this are: increased decision making, lack of sleep and physical demands, not feeling appreciated/loved, being thrown off-balance, and new learning and adjusting. However, we should remember that having stresses doesn't automatically pull people apart. It may be the natural thing, but we aren't trying to follow what is natural. We don't have to let our marriage satisfaction drop so much. We can still keep the love alive in our marriage if we put forth the effort and time.