Week 6: Dating and a little on Cohabiting

Dating. What is something you think of when you hear this term? Do you think of meeting someone and quickly becoming close to them if you like them? Moving to Boyfriend/girlfriend and ‘dating’ each other until you both realize it isn't working out? If so, you aren't alone. However, this isn't what dating is meant to be.

There are three “P’s” that do a great job at describing what “dating” should include. They are: planned, paid for, and paired off. These things make something a date. A date should include commitment and work. It should be more personal than hanging out. Dating is something that should help prepare you for marriage. For example, if a boy asks a girl out on a date and plans it, pays for it, and pairs off with just her, he is helping prepare himself for when he’ll be a husband and need to preside, provide, , and protect.

Sadly many people today “hang out” or “hook up” instead of date. Many people have forgotten the benefits of dating. We should remember that it helps us get to know the person better, helps fulfill intimacy needs (I’m more so focusing on emotional since we shouldn't be very physical), allows people to have companionship, helps you become better at socializing, helps you learn what you do and don’t’ like, and can help you find a mate (dating does more than this, these are just a few examples).

Quick question: How do you get to know a person? The Know-Quo formula can help us find the answer. It says that 3 “T’s”, added together, help us know a person. This is our formula:

Talk

Togetherness

+ Time

____________

Know

Notice this doesn't include “touch” as one of the “T’s”? Why do you think that is? Let’s take a look by looking at the Relationship Attachment Model. This model says that we attach to people in different ways. These ways are, knowing them, trusting them, relying on them, being committed to them, and through touch. This model says that we shouldn’t trust someone more than we know them, we shouldn’t rely on someone more than we trust them, and etc. “Touch” is last in this line. We should have built up everything first before we start touching someone and becoming very physical. Why is that? Because, by touching someone we gain a false sense that we know them, can trust them, and can rely on them. Our minds become clouded. Just think for a moment, haven’t you seen this happen to someone you know? Have you experienced it yourself? If we want to keep a clear mind and not confuse ourselves or get into a situation we don’t like, we should keep the touching to a minimum.

One last thought I would like to add to this entry. It is about cohabiting. Though people originally thought that cohabiting would better help prepare people for marriage it never has. Multiple studies have been done and not a single benefit has been found. At best it will do nothing, but more commonly it will do harm. Those who cohabit are more likely to divorce, contrary to what people believed. 

WEEK 5: GENDER ROLES AND HOMOSEXUALS

The discussions we had this week were great. First of all we talked about gender roles. As much as some people would like to believe that men and woman are the same, THEY AREN NOT. We are different for a reason. We have different roles to fill and we help complete each other. If everyone was the same the world would be boring.

I for one and so grateful that guys and girls are different. I recently got married and have blessed, because my husband can do some things much more easily than I can (setting up a desk, hooking up the TV and computer, setting up a bookshelf, setting up our futon, etc.)My parents are divorced and I lived with my mom. I saw her struggle to do many things that just come so much more easily to most guys. I’m no able to reap the benefits of having a guy in the home.

Our decision for this Friday was about homosexual couples. Like most people I thought some people were just born that way. However, after watching a video, reading a chapter from a book, and discussing the topic in class, I no longer think so. I believe the ENVIRONMENT is what has the greatest effect. As a typical example, a boy is more drawn and better at behaviors that are considered feminine. Other guys his age don’t accept him and may even tease him so he hangs out with more girls. When the time comes for girls and guys to be drawn to the opposite sex this guy is already used to girls. Instead, guys seem more mysterious. If they feel any confirmation that they are attracted to a guy they will think, “oh, I’m gay.” This is most common when someone has been sexually abused. It will normally be then that they realized, “oh, I’m gay.” Also, ‘gay’ people tend to come from families were the mother was overly involved and the father wasn’t involved enough.

If only more people could realize that genetics hasn’t proven that people are born gay. If only ‘gay’ people could realize that they don’t have to be. They aren’t stuck that way because of genetics. I wish more people were aware of the environmental effects. 

Week 4: Social Class

An interesting discussion we had in class was about different social classes. Before class we watched a few YouTube videos. One was about this woman named Tammy. She had two teenage boys and lived very humbly. They lived in a small motor home and the mother didn’t even have a working car. She worked at Burger King and had to walk 10 miles to her job. When people asked her why she didn’t just get welfare she explained that that wasn’t her. Sadly her sons didn’t seem to respect her. One, the eldest, shared his opinions and they weren’t always very kind. The eldest son didn’t want other people to see his mom or where he lived. He worked hard to get many awards in school and seemed to think he was better than his family.

Another video I saw was about rich people. They just seemed so artificial and fake to me. They just seemed to want to fit in with everyone else and look good. I thought this was sad. How unfulfilling life must have been for them.

My parents are divorced and therefor I grew up without a lot of money in the home. My mom didn't get things (like cable) that we didn't need and couldn't afford. For the longest time we didn't even have the internet. Also, until my mom moved about a year ago, we had a big tube TV. My mom never paid for me or anyone else in our (including herself) to have a cellphone. I learned to appreciate what I have and not to not feel like I need unnecessary things. I just got married and I’m grateful for the things that I have. I’m glad that I can have this view.

I have a wonderful cousin that I love dearly that was raised in a home that had more money. Her parents paid for her schooling, car, housing, food, etc. I feel like this has made her develop a sense of entitlement. I saw how she didn’t always appreciate what her parents did for her. I remember thinking, “wow, how can she not appreciate that? I would have loved it if my parents did that for me.” She just got married a month after me and I really hope that this sense of ‘entitlement’ won’t make it too difficult for her to adjust to her new life where they can’t afford everything and she no longer will have things handed over to her on a silver platter. (By mentioning this I don’t mean to make my cousin look bad, because she isn't, but merely to point out a difference in class).

When our teacher asked: “Does social class affect a family’s ability to accomplish its purpose? How or why not?” my response was, “you have a choice. You can let your social class define you or you can define it.” I don’t feel defined by my social class. And I know that I don’t have to ever feel that way. We always have a choice. Also, no matter rich or poor, a family can chose what they do. They can chose to make time for each other or not to. They can choose to pursue their goals as a family or not to. A family can accomplish its purpose no matter the circumstances. It is there choice whether or not they do or don’t.  

Woman, don't sell yourself short!

I know that I didn't read this for FAML 160, but I am reading it for my Marriage class. I feel like this is something important to point out. Here is information about the source that I'm about to share:


SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER?
What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage
A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research
David Popenoe and  Barbara Dafoe Whitehead 
THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT : The Next Generation Series


Anyway, here is the quote I want to share from it, " In developing such principles it is important to note that, because men and women differ somewhat in their sexual and mate-selection strategies, cohabitation often has a different meaning for each sex.  Women tend to see it as a step toward eventual marriage, while men regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. A woman's willingness to cohabit runs the risk of sending men precisely the wrong signal. What our grandmothers supposedly knew might well be true: If a woman truly wants a man to marry her, wisdom dictates a measure of playing hard to get."

The message I want to share to all woman is: Don't sell yourself short. Remember who you are and that you should be treated right. Don't allow yourself to be seen as an object--something men can just sleep with--but as the amazing person you really are. Make them prove to you that they really see you as important and worth it by not doing anything sexually with them until after marriage.

3rd Post: Theories

  There are different theories (Systems Theory, Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, and Conflict Theory) that can help us understand why people do things. They help example a phenomenon. The Theory Exchange is about rewards and costs. If someone feels like a relationship cost them more than they gain from it, they will likely leave. The Symbolic Interaction Theory thinks that everything is symbolic and that most of what happens to people is done through symbols. For example, speaking. Our words are sounds that we make mean something. Conflict Theory believes that there is conflict between two people (conflict doesn't always have to be viewed negatively). People have different views and that will conflict with someone else's. One of my favorite theories, Systems Theory, believe that groups should be analyzed as a whole. For example, they believe that "the sum is greater than the sum of the parts". One person's act in a family affects everyone else in the family. Each person in a family plays and important roll. 

 

Week Two: Trends

This week it was interesting to learn about some interesting trends. Some that stuck out to me were increasing divorce rates, drop in social activities, drop in social time with extend families, increasing numbers of people living alone, and increasing numbers of mothers that work. I think all of these things are sad and that as they continue we are loosing something.
Since I have divorced parents I know, from a kids perspective, what it's like. It's not fun or easy. Even now that I am out of the house and married it can be tough. I feel like I have to chose between them sometimes and I don't like that. What I find interesting is that people haven't proven to be happier after a divorce. In fact, those who stuck with marriage could be found happier a few years later. Also, those who divorced don't tend to be as happy as people who stay married (even though they aren't getting along.) I wish people could realize the importance of marriage and work harder to make it work. I know it is worth it to do this and will save many people from heartache.
My extended family on my mom's side has been such a blessing in my life. They helped us so much and I am so grateful for them. I look up to the wonderful examples they set. Knowing what a gift an extended family can be, I feel sorry for people who don't get to know theirs.
Despite being divorced my mother wanted to be their for us and raise us instead of send us to daycare. So, she created a home daycare so that she could stay at home with us and still work and earn money to support us. I was very grateful for this. I loved having my mother their for me. Knowing that many kids have working mothers is a saddening thought. Those mothers are missing time with their children that they can never gain back. If only they would realize what a blessing it could be for them to stay home with their children.

My new semester for school just started last Monday and one of my classes, Family Relations, requires us to keep a blog. We've only had a couple class periods so far, but I believe that I will enjoy the class and learn a lot. We already talked about some of the challenges in social science research. Some difficulties come from researcher bias (a researcher can unintentionally or intentionally let bias slip into their research), maturation (we think differently as we grow), publishing (it can take 2 or more years to get research published), terminology (we might have different ideas of what a term means), sampling (sampling size might not be big enough, or might not be representative, etc.), and time (it can be hard to watch a study for a long period of time).