Week 13 Divorce

Do you think that divorce is a good option? Lets look at some interesting stats...

• 2 yrs after divorce about 70% of people surveyed said they could have and should saved their marriage. 
• In a study that was done where people were given a scale to measure their satisfaction in marriage. This scale was: very satisfied, satisfied, somewhat satisfied, dissatisfied, and very dissatisfied. Those who marked "dissatisfied" or "very dissatisfied" were surveyed again five years later. Those who stuck it out marked "very satisfied" and "satisfied". 

Statistics show that it is actually better to try to fix it because you'll probably be happier in the end! Who would have thought that?

Did you know....
....that remarriages are actually more vulnerable than first marriages?
...that the majority of couples who deal with affairs stay together and are happy that they did?
...divorce costs a lot? In California, at least at one time, it was about $25,000! And the financial struggles don't stop there!
...women are less likely to remarry rapidly and about 70% of men who have divorced are married about 2 years later?
...that people with divorced parents are more likely to divorce also?
...divorce can be VERY hard on the kids and cause a lot of problems?

Before considering divorce think about all that comes with it. Sadly your problems will not end, but you will have a bunch of new ones if you divorce. Because of this maybe consider trying to fix your marriage.

Week 12 Parening

What are some the purposes of parenting? To name a few...to transmit values and traditions, to teach, to practice and develop godly qualities,  it's a learning opportunity, it's a sacred duty, to contribute to society, to become more refined, to provide protection, to prepare the next generation, and to teach basic skills. Look at the purposes that I emphasized. I emphasized them because I believe they all benefit the parents. Parenting isn't just for the kids, parents also benefit.
My religion teacher pointed out that parenting is like a workshop for godhood. Think, for one moment, please, about this: Heavenly Father has chosen to be known as "Father". What does this mean to you? To me it shows the importance of parents. It is a sacred duty. God is our father and He chooses to be known by this. He is a parent of all of us. So, how better to learn to be like Him then to practice being parents?

For our class we watched a few great videos that discussed how to parent teenagers. We should remember that if we want our teens to respect us, we must respect them, our spouse, and others. Something else i liked was that we should have fun with our teens. Let them know that we like them. Also, remember to try to have  more of an Authoritative parenting style. This will work best.

Week 11 Should Mom's Work?

Since World War II in the 1940's the number of working woman has increased. Many woman liked the independence they gained from working, so didn't want to give it up when the men came home. Some woman had to keep working because their husband never came home. There are other reasons, of course, than these.
Before I go into more detail, take a moment to think about your own opinions and views on this matter. Do you believe woman should work? Do you believe that it is better for them to be stay at home moms? My objective of this article is to share information on this subject so that you can gain a more educated opinion on it.
On a typical day where both parents work the kids go to school and the parents go to work. The kids get home from school around 3-4 and the parents don't get home until around 6. An interesting fact is that most non-violent crimes occur between 4-6 PM. Coincidence? I think not. Dinner in these homes might be a stressful time. They may not even eat together. Also, mother is still likely to do most of the house work. Both parents will be tired. Also, we should note that most woman don't go to their job because they love it.
Let's contrast this with a mother who stays at home. She has more time to get the house work done and will have more energy to do it since she wasn't at work all day. When the children come home for work, she'll be there. This time can be important for teaching them. They will have more energy and time to give to their children and husband. They will have a better chance of being able to eat dinner together. Also, the mother can have more time to do things with her children. She will even have more time do the housework with them and teach them how to cook. When our hands our busy it can be a great time for communication. Especially for guys. So, if the mother is able to do these activities with her children she will be able to bond with them.
I know these examples don't cover every situation. They are just general. However, I can tell which one sounds more appealing to me.
The last thing I would quickly like to address is the benefits of teaching your kids to work and working with them. I already mentioned that it is a time for family members to bond. It can also help children gain skills and become more independent  it can teach them to be better workers, it can have physical health benefits, and it helps create the ideal family structure. Most of the time since Adam and Eve families worked together. This helped them bond and grow together. Since the Industrial Revolution things have changed drastically. I would like to ask the question: is all of this change good? Shouldn't we consider what we have given up? Also, shouldn't we consider what we'll be giving up when we get a modern contraption that will 'make our lives easier'? These are some good questions to think about.

Week 10 Communication

When we communicate we go through a process. First we start with our thoughts and feelings which we encode, we then use a media (words, tone, nonverbal), then the person we're talking to decodes it and has their own thoughts and feelings. During this process something can go wrong and we end up understanding something wrong or the other person doesn't understand. Can you remember a time when that happened to you? We all have.
Let's look at media a little more closely. Did you know that only about 14% of our message goes through our words? 35% goes through tone and 51% (slightly over half!) goes through nonverbal! Just for a moment think about all the ways you can say "I love you". You can say it sarcastically, without emotion, with deep emotion, with surprise, with anger, with joy, etc. To yourself try saying it in different ways. What did you notice? Though your saying the same thing you are sending a different message. And why is that? Because of the tone you are using. Your tone sends different messages. People are more likely to believe your tone than the actual words you are saying.
There are different nonverbal cues we can give. Our face expression  body language, and even eye contact can tell someone something. However, they may not tell the person what we intended! Can you think of a time when someone miss read a nonverbal cue you used? Can you think of a time that you miss read a nonverbal cue someone gave? For example, someone who is shy might not look someone in the eye. The person they are talking to might not read this as them being shy, but may think that they aren't paying attention, don't care what they are talking about, are mad at them and don't want to look at them, etc. Because of this we should try to be aware of the nonverbal cues we are using.
With all these problems with communication no wonder we can get mad at someone and they don't know why. But how can we fix this? Well, first to to clarify what you mean, give feed back, and don't talk around the main issue, but address it. If you aren't sure that your understanding someone then ask them, "Is that what you meant... (fill in blank)?" Many times we get mad, I believe, it's because their was a problem somewhere in our communication. That is why it's important to ask and clarify. Also, normally there is a bigger underlying issue to why we're mad. It normally isn't just because of one irritating thing. Maybe feel irritated because a guy didn't put down the toilet seat. We approach the guy and yell at them for it, but what is the underlying issue? Is it that we feel like he thinks he as certain privileged that are unfair? We should try to figure out our underlying reason for being mad and address it.
Remember that good communication takes practice. It's something we can all learn though! Just remember to be aware of it and that there often are mistakes made when trying to communicate. Try to be patient and willing to listen so you can fix these problems :)

Week 9 Crisis

A crisis can be defined as having some sort of trauma involved, being unsatisfied with your current situation, something urgent, something that puts the family at risk, instability, and it can be personal. With all this in mind many people will see a crisis as something bad and dangerous. How do you view it? Can you see the opportunity in the crisis? If not, hopefully you'll be able to learn to.
Think of a crisis you have had. What did your family do? Did it pull apart or grow closer together? What were the persons thoughts about the crisis? What were your own thoughts? Take a few minutes to think about this.
Reuben Hill used, what he called, an ABCX model. This is how he set up his model:

A (Actual Event)

B (Both Resources and Responses)

+C (Cognition, meaning their thoughts on the event, how did they define it)

__________________________________

X (total experience)

So, using this model think about the crisis that you were before thinking about. What was the actual event? What were your resources and how did your family use them? And, like before, what were your thoughts and your families' thoughts about the crisis? How did they define it? 

I'm sure we all want to be able to come out better from a crisis like some families can. But how do they do it? They probably have resilience, understanding of their responsibilities and accountability  they know how to use their resources and have resources, also, they may have already had experience. 

Something else you can do is change our thinking about the crisis (cognition). If you can train yourself to think more positively then your more likely to come out better. Instead of thinking, "this is the end of the world" try to think "We can do this together. It will be okay." Remember, the mind believes what you tell it. 

Week 8 Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy isn't just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (despite what many mislead teenagers grow up thinking). Children shouldn't just be taught about the autonomy of sex, contraception, and preventing STD's. By just teaching them that, it is like telling them that sex is okay as long as you don't get hurt physically or get pregnant. This is why parents should step up and teach their kids about sex instead of just leave it up to the school and peers. While young (even as young as 3) kids should be taught about proper boundaries (like what's appropriate and inappropriate touch). They should be taught what their body parts are and shouldn't just be told some lie about where babies come from. As they grow older they should be taught about puberty and what is going on to them. As they grow they should be taught more about sex. They should be taught about how emotionally damaging it can be if not done in marriage. They should be given a realistic perspective on it instead of the fantasized idea portrayed in the media. For example, girls should be taught it hurts at first and isn't worth it to do with someone you aren't married to. They should only do it with someone they are married to since they know they can trust them and that that person will take care of them. Both should be taught that it isn't magical like the media portrays. It is awkward at first. They should be told how they can feel empty doing it outside of marriage. Also, they should be taught that having sex distorts other aspects of a relationship. All of these things should be taught to them by their parents. These are only some of the things parents should teach their kids.

Week 7 Marriage and Kids

Who is more likely to marry? Educated and Religious people. In my opinion, if educated people are more likely to marry than other people, then doesn't it suggest that marriage is a good idea? If only people could realize this. Sadly some people are afraid of what getting married will entail (such as how will I provide? What if I ask and I'm rejected?). Also some people view cohabitation as an alternative or as something that will lead to marriage but doesn't up doing so. Another problem is the marriage squeeze (although there are a lot of guys and girls in the world, doesn't mean that you would want to marry them all. Not to mention age differences and other factors).
Something else that is interesting is that marriage satisfaction seems to decline a bit as each child is born and slowly raise as each kids leaves, until it levels off when all kids are gone. Some of the causes of this are: increased decision making, lack of sleep and physical demands, not feeling appreciated/loved, being thrown off-balance, and new learning and adjusting. However, we should remember that having stresses doesn't automatically pull people apart. It may be the natural thing, but we aren't trying to follow what is natural. We don't have to let our marriage satisfaction drop so much. We can still keep the love alive in our marriage if we put forth the effort and time.

Week 6: Dating and a little on Cohabiting

Dating. What is something you think of when you hear this term? Do you think of meeting someone and quickly becoming close to them if you like them? Moving to Boyfriend/girlfriend and ‘dating’ each other until you both realize it isn't working out? If so, you aren't alone. However, this isn't what dating is meant to be.

There are three “P’s” that do a great job at describing what “dating” should include. They are: planned, paid for, and paired off. These things make something a date. A date should include commitment and work. It should be more personal than hanging out. Dating is something that should help prepare you for marriage. For example, if a boy asks a girl out on a date and plans it, pays for it, and pairs off with just her, he is helping prepare himself for when he’ll be a husband and need to preside, provide, , and protect.

Sadly many people today “hang out” or “hook up” instead of date. Many people have forgotten the benefits of dating. We should remember that it helps us get to know the person better, helps fulfill intimacy needs (I’m more so focusing on emotional since we shouldn't be very physical), allows people to have companionship, helps you become better at socializing, helps you learn what you do and don’t’ like, and can help you find a mate (dating does more than this, these are just a few examples).

Quick question: How do you get to know a person? The Know-Quo formula can help us find the answer. It says that 3 “T’s”, added together, help us know a person. This is our formula:

Talk

Togetherness

+ Time

____________

Know

Notice this doesn't include “touch” as one of the “T’s”? Why do you think that is? Let’s take a look by looking at the Relationship Attachment Model. This model says that we attach to people in different ways. These ways are, knowing them, trusting them, relying on them, being committed to them, and through touch. This model says that we shouldn’t trust someone more than we know them, we shouldn’t rely on someone more than we trust them, and etc. “Touch” is last in this line. We should have built up everything first before we start touching someone and becoming very physical. Why is that? Because, by touching someone we gain a false sense that we know them, can trust them, and can rely on them. Our minds become clouded. Just think for a moment, haven’t you seen this happen to someone you know? Have you experienced it yourself? If we want to keep a clear mind and not confuse ourselves or get into a situation we don’t like, we should keep the touching to a minimum.

One last thought I would like to add to this entry. It is about cohabiting. Though people originally thought that cohabiting would better help prepare people for marriage it never has. Multiple studies have been done and not a single benefit has been found. At best it will do nothing, but more commonly it will do harm. Those who cohabit are more likely to divorce, contrary to what people believed. 

WEEK 5: GENDER ROLES AND HOMOSEXUALS

The discussions we had this week were great. First of all we talked about gender roles. As much as some people would like to believe that men and woman are the same, THEY AREN NOT. We are different for a reason. We have different roles to fill and we help complete each other. If everyone was the same the world would be boring.

I for one and so grateful that guys and girls are different. I recently got married and have blessed, because my husband can do some things much more easily than I can (setting up a desk, hooking up the TV and computer, setting up a bookshelf, setting up our futon, etc.)My parents are divorced and I lived with my mom. I saw her struggle to do many things that just come so much more easily to most guys. I’m no able to reap the benefits of having a guy in the home.

Our decision for this Friday was about homosexual couples. Like most people I thought some people were just born that way. However, after watching a video, reading a chapter from a book, and discussing the topic in class, I no longer think so. I believe the ENVIRONMENT is what has the greatest effect. As a typical example, a boy is more drawn and better at behaviors that are considered feminine. Other guys his age don’t accept him and may even tease him so he hangs out with more girls. When the time comes for girls and guys to be drawn to the opposite sex this guy is already used to girls. Instead, guys seem more mysterious. If they feel any confirmation that they are attracted to a guy they will think, “oh, I’m gay.” This is most common when someone has been sexually abused. It will normally be then that they realized, “oh, I’m gay.” Also, ‘gay’ people tend to come from families were the mother was overly involved and the father wasn’t involved enough.

If only more people could realize that genetics hasn’t proven that people are born gay. If only ‘gay’ people could realize that they don’t have to be. They aren’t stuck that way because of genetics. I wish more people were aware of the environmental effects. 

Week 4: Social Class

An interesting discussion we had in class was about different social classes. Before class we watched a few YouTube videos. One was about this woman named Tammy. She had two teenage boys and lived very humbly. They lived in a small motor home and the mother didn’t even have a working car. She worked at Burger King and had to walk 10 miles to her job. When people asked her why she didn’t just get welfare she explained that that wasn’t her. Sadly her sons didn’t seem to respect her. One, the eldest, shared his opinions and they weren’t always very kind. The eldest son didn’t want other people to see his mom or where he lived. He worked hard to get many awards in school and seemed to think he was better than his family.

Another video I saw was about rich people. They just seemed so artificial and fake to me. They just seemed to want to fit in with everyone else and look good. I thought this was sad. How unfulfilling life must have been for them.

My parents are divorced and therefor I grew up without a lot of money in the home. My mom didn't get things (like cable) that we didn't need and couldn't afford. For the longest time we didn't even have the internet. Also, until my mom moved about a year ago, we had a big tube TV. My mom never paid for me or anyone else in our (including herself) to have a cellphone. I learned to appreciate what I have and not to not feel like I need unnecessary things. I just got married and I’m grateful for the things that I have. I’m glad that I can have this view.

I have a wonderful cousin that I love dearly that was raised in a home that had more money. Her parents paid for her schooling, car, housing, food, etc. I feel like this has made her develop a sense of entitlement. I saw how she didn’t always appreciate what her parents did for her. I remember thinking, “wow, how can she not appreciate that? I would have loved it if my parents did that for me.” She just got married a month after me and I really hope that this sense of ‘entitlement’ won’t make it too difficult for her to adjust to her new life where they can’t afford everything and she no longer will have things handed over to her on a silver platter. (By mentioning this I don’t mean to make my cousin look bad, because she isn't, but merely to point out a difference in class).

When our teacher asked: “Does social class affect a family’s ability to accomplish its purpose? How or why not?” my response was, “you have a choice. You can let your social class define you or you can define it.” I don’t feel defined by my social class. And I know that I don’t have to ever feel that way. We always have a choice. Also, no matter rich or poor, a family can chose what they do. They can chose to make time for each other or not to. They can choose to pursue their goals as a family or not to. A family can accomplish its purpose no matter the circumstances. It is there choice whether or not they do or don’t.  

Woman, don't sell yourself short!

I know that I didn't read this for FAML 160, but I am reading it for my Marriage class. I feel like this is something important to point out. Here is information about the source that I'm about to share:


SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER?
What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage
A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research
David Popenoe and  Barbara Dafoe Whitehead 
THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT : The Next Generation Series


Anyway, here is the quote I want to share from it, " In developing such principles it is important to note that, because men and women differ somewhat in their sexual and mate-selection strategies, cohabitation often has a different meaning for each sex.  Women tend to see it as a step toward eventual marriage, while men regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. A woman's willingness to cohabit runs the risk of sending men precisely the wrong signal. What our grandmothers supposedly knew might well be true: If a woman truly wants a man to marry her, wisdom dictates a measure of playing hard to get."

The message I want to share to all woman is: Don't sell yourself short. Remember who you are and that you should be treated right. Don't allow yourself to be seen as an object--something men can just sleep with--but as the amazing person you really are. Make them prove to you that they really see you as important and worth it by not doing anything sexually with them until after marriage.

3rd Post: Theories

  There are different theories (Systems Theory, Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, and Conflict Theory) that can help us understand why people do things. They help example a phenomenon. The Theory Exchange is about rewards and costs. If someone feels like a relationship cost them more than they gain from it, they will likely leave. The Symbolic Interaction Theory thinks that everything is symbolic and that most of what happens to people is done through symbols. For example, speaking. Our words are sounds that we make mean something. Conflict Theory believes that there is conflict between two people (conflict doesn't always have to be viewed negatively). People have different views and that will conflict with someone else's. One of my favorite theories, Systems Theory, believe that groups should be analyzed as a whole. For example, they believe that "the sum is greater than the sum of the parts". One person's act in a family affects everyone else in the family. Each person in a family plays and important roll. 

 

Week Two: Trends

This week it was interesting to learn about some interesting trends. Some that stuck out to me were increasing divorce rates, drop in social activities, drop in social time with extend families, increasing numbers of people living alone, and increasing numbers of mothers that work. I think all of these things are sad and that as they continue we are loosing something.
Since I have divorced parents I know, from a kids perspective, what it's like. It's not fun or easy. Even now that I am out of the house and married it can be tough. I feel like I have to chose between them sometimes and I don't like that. What I find interesting is that people haven't proven to be happier after a divorce. In fact, those who stuck with marriage could be found happier a few years later. Also, those who divorced don't tend to be as happy as people who stay married (even though they aren't getting along.) I wish people could realize the importance of marriage and work harder to make it work. I know it is worth it to do this and will save many people from heartache.
My extended family on my mom's side has been such a blessing in my life. They helped us so much and I am so grateful for them. I look up to the wonderful examples they set. Knowing what a gift an extended family can be, I feel sorry for people who don't get to know theirs.
Despite being divorced my mother wanted to be their for us and raise us instead of send us to daycare. So, she created a home daycare so that she could stay at home with us and still work and earn money to support us. I was very grateful for this. I loved having my mother their for me. Knowing that many kids have working mothers is a saddening thought. Those mothers are missing time with their children that they can never gain back. If only they would realize what a blessing it could be for them to stay home with their children.

My new semester for school just started last Monday and one of my classes, Family Relations, requires us to keep a blog. We've only had a couple class periods so far, but I believe that I will enjoy the class and learn a lot. We already talked about some of the challenges in social science research. Some difficulties come from researcher bias (a researcher can unintentionally or intentionally let bias slip into their research), maturation (we think differently as we grow), publishing (it can take 2 or more years to get research published), terminology (we might have different ideas of what a term means), sampling (sampling size might not be big enough, or might not be representative, etc.), and time (it can be hard to watch a study for a long period of time). 

Here is a picture of me :)